


This time, I won't come back

by Ethsei



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Codependency, Depression, Drabble, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 22:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethsei/pseuds/Ethsei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>what if dean didn't come looking for sam</p>
            </blockquote>





	This time, I won't come back

It’s been three months.

_Three fucking long months._

Dean can still feel his back tingle in anticipation of attack. Leftovers from purgatory, an experience he’d gladly like to block out from his memory. The whole thing was nine shades of fucked up, and Cas – well, Dean doesn’t think about Cas anymore if he can help it. Sometimes when he’s teetering on the edge of sleep, his body and mind half numb, drowning, he can feel Cas’ palm, sweaty and heated, slipping away.

It makes him sick.

So does the alcohol. God, he’s spent way too many nights with his knees digging into the cold bathroom tiles, hands clutching the sides of another motel toilet that he doesn’t want to know the history of. He likes to think he’s managing in his own way. He eats and sleeps, but he doesn’t talk much. Though, Dean figures that has more to do with the fact that he has no one to call then for lack of want.

Dean’s managing, he really is, except for when he’s not. Like those days where he pulls the car into some dirt ditch and rests his head on the window because he feels like he’s physically falling apart, energy stripped right down from his bones despite sleeping fourteen hours the night before. Like the days he lies in bed with his mind fully awake but body refusing to co-operate and just get the fuck up and do something. So he drifts from state to state, sitting in bars in fuck knows where, staring into his glass with a blank mind that wants to erupt at any moment given the chance.

But he refuses to let the flood gate open, because if he does, he knows that he might never stop drowning. He doesn’t know how to rescue himself from the bottom of the lake – he’s not sure he would even want to try. Everyone was gone, and for the first time in his life, Dean fully understood the meaning of loneliness. Even purgatory was better than this, because at least there he knew there was someone out there for him. But here? Nothing. Nothing except a brother he won’t call.

.


End file.
